Ditto

Does it make me a bad person when Patrick Swayze's dire health condition--so dire, in fact, that his publicist has to publicly deny rumors that he is already dead--makes me want to watch Ghost? Yes.

Terminator: SAVE ME!

(Remember when they'd send one of us to do what thousands are incapable of?)

In the start of the film you witness a prisoner put to death via lethal injection. To keep it clichéd, this is administered by mustachioed, grimacing Texans in ten gallon hats, stroking their gaudy bolo ties. As the fluid slowly drips down the vial and is being pumped into the convict's veins, all I can think is, "Save some of that for me!" It's generally a bad sign to long for death when you've yet to reach the 10 minute mark. I'm sure plenty of people will like (or love) Terminator: Salvation, but I'll take T3 over this any day. T3 is not a good movie, but it at least feels like a Terminator movie (albeit by ripping off its predecessors). Salvation does not. A few music cues and the use of classic lines and names from the series doesn't make it a part of the series. It doesn't even feel like it was influenced by Terminator. It feels like Aliens meets The Road Warrior...plus every other action movie you've ever seen.

And boy is it an action movie! There is never a moments peace for these poor characters you couldn't give a shit about. I personally am sick of watching stuff blow up. Correction: I'm sick of watching stuff blow up for two hours straight. If I want explosions and shooting and no story whatsoever, I play video games. This movie opens the door to many questions but chooses not to answer any of them.

Here are a few I had: Why is Skynet doing this? What is the purpose of wiping out humanity? Why are Terminators humanoid if they don't need to be disguised as humans? Shouldn't the machines be threatening or at least hard to thwart? How did Christian Bale manage to be a more annoying John Connor than Edward Furlong? When will they realize rappers can't act? How many times are they going to say Kyle Reese (it could be a drinking game)? Why is it that Marcus Wright (a Terminator, for anyone who didn't see the trailer) is the most human character in the film? ( It must be his strong human heart).

Marcus is easily the most interesting character in the film, so it's sad he doesn't just destroy John Connor and the resistance and travel back to a time before this script was "written" and start fresh. Terminator: Salvation is as unnecessary as a junior novelization or comic book adaptation. It doesn't contain anything you needed to know, wanted to know, or didn't already know about the mythos. But it's big, expensive, and explodie, so if that's what you're looking for...go play Halo.

Japanese Spider-Man!

Back in the late 70's, Marvel had made a deal with Toei, a Japanese film and television company, that allowed them to use the Marvel characters in any way they saw fit. In exchange? Probably large sacks of money (with a large $ painted on them) that were hand delivered to the states by Godzilla himself. The result? The shittiest best Spider-Man ever!


Peter Parker, or rather Takuya Yamashiro, is a motorcycle racer who acquires not only radioactive spider powers, but also a giant battle cruiser called Marveller that transforms into the fighting robot Leopardon. He endlessly goes head-to-head with the villainous Professor Monster, Amazoness, and their evil army of Iron Cross Group soldiers. I'm totally serious. And did I mention it takes place in Angel Grove? ( it doesn't)

You can stream the first 11 episodes of this exilharating 41 episode series over at Marvel.com. Here's episode 9, which had my favorite title, "Motion Accessory is a Loveful Beetle Insect Spy." Enjoy! (and if you don't feel like sitting through the whole thing, skip to the 20:00 mark and watch the last few minutes)



Note: Although I like the image of Godzilla carrying bags of money over the Atlantic, in 1978 he would've been property of Toho, a rival company to Toei. Although Toei now owns Toho, back then I'm sure the business deal probably went down with suits and wire transfers. Not giant lizards.

Star Trek

A recent Onion video (that you should watch here) pretty perfectly sums up my feelings for the new Star Trek film. Fans complain, "the movie is fun...watchable." And it was! But was it Star Trek? Not really.

Naturally, any big budget studio picture is going to do everything in its power to draw as wide an audience as possible. Unfortunately in this case, that means heavy handed action scenes (that get progressively less exciting), jokes that feel out of place (or aren't funny), and Tyler Perry (who is Madea). But cornball humor and the awful scenes of stupid kid Kirk aside, Star Trek was "fun...watchable."

It may even be better than Star Trek V. But what isn't, right?

To my surprise, Chris Pine did a fine job handling Kirk. Actually, the cast in general surpassed my expectations for them. For the brief spurts of time they actually spend together, they have good chemistry with one another. They carry an overall feeling of "Hey, we're having fun." It's just sad you don't get to spend very much time with anyone.

One problem I had that isn't solely aimed at this film is a matter of me being utterly tired of CGI everything. There are entire scenes that exist only for the sake of squeezing in more effects. And they're boring! They take away from time you should be spending with the bridge crew, but big summer movie = tons of unnecessary runtime supplements (aka. filler). I also don't like a few design elements, namely the ships (all of them), and the bridge itself. It doesn't feel like a place where commanders would give orders. It feels like a place where the crew would ask, "Will you be purchasing the touch or the nano today?" But hands down, my biggest complaint is the use of solar flares, or just glares in general. Every single scene is layered with glares that are a mix of diliberate lighting to gain the effect and adding the effect in post production. It's super distracting. It was like watching the film outside in the sun, but through a window.

Back to the subject of not being very Star Trekky, the movie is referred to as science fiction, but is more appropriately: fiction...in space. You won't find any science here. Or philosophy. Or exploration. If they could have left out a handful of those arbitrary scenes and tried to incorporate these elements (that Star Trek is known for), they would have had a better film.

Nevertheless, the movie accomplishes what it set out to. It's big summer fun that people will like, it'll make a ton of money, and will be forgotten pretty shortly. It uses the line, "To boldly go where no man has gone before." But it didn't. It went where most movies like this go: safe, standard formula...because (sigh) it works.

I by no means hated it. But I'm just as far from loving it.

MVC2 Is Coming To XBLA!

Say what now? Nerds would know (inherently) that the above title reads Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 is coming to Xbox Live Arcade! This is MEGA news! The original arcade game, circa 2000, has certainly withstood the test of time. Nearly a decade later it remains to be one of the best fighting games ever made. The home console versions (Dreamcast, PS2, Xbox) are highly sought after due to a limited print (Capcom was loosing the Marvel license) and will run anywhere from $40-75 on ebay! The steep price tag has always been a factor in my never owning the game. That's not to say the game isn't worth the money, I assure you it is, but the Xbox and PS2 versions were...lacking. Elements were added that weren't needed or desired and the gameplay handles differently; a bit slow, clunky. The Dreamcast version, however, is the identical twin of the arcade birth mother due to the use of the NAOMI system (for coding), which the Xbox and PS2 weren't compatible with. That's the trouble with ports, things will often get lost in translation. So when news broke that the original version was coming to Xbox Live for a mere $15 (1,200 MSP), I swallowed my tongue, coughed it back up, then sang praises toward the heavens.

Why is this game so great? What's the hubbub, bub? Well, it's Marvel dudes, um, and Capcom dudes...and they totally fight each other! With a roster of 50+ playable characters, and some of those being Wolverine, Spider-Man, Iron Man, Ryu, Chun Li, and Megaman...I'd buy it if it were only those six. But I can almost guarantee your favorite Marvel character is represented. But what really sets this aside from most in the genre is the 3 on 3 battles.

Player: With so many awesome characters available, it's hard to decide which one to play.

Developer: You can have three at a time!

Player: Insanity! (Head Explodes)

It plays like any standard fighting game only your off screen pals can aid you during battle or simply "tag out" and take over as one of them. You're only defeated if all three of your characters health meters are drained. Each character has their own set of moves and combos plus group moves that include your whole team.


Here, poor Ryu is getting a makeover from a trio of badasses using said group move. He didn't stand a chance.

Update: A tentative release date of June 29. I'm counting the seconds.

Want.

I don't know if you are like me (you are probably not like me), but if you are--in the sense that the school year is almost over and you are knee-deep in shit FINAL EXAMS--I'm hoping this will cheer you up.

Even if your depression is not Finals related...well, GET OVER IT anyways. Why? Because of this:




Also, I realize I have filed this post under "Puppies and Kitties," and a slow loris is neither a puppy nor a kitty, so I offer this bonus:

From The Daily Puppy:

"This little duchess is a six-week-old Samoyed. Her name is Luna and she is a furry and cute little puppy who likes to chew on everything. She loves living with us and we love living with her. She has brought unbelievable happiness and joy to our lives."







You are welcome.

For Love & Street Fighter: Episode 2

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I remember leaving X-Men: The Last Stand in a flurry of emotions. Rage. Sadness. Betrayal. More rage. I left X-Men Origins: Wolverine feeling...nothing. Void of anything that could even remotely be mistaken for giving a shit. The title is redonkulous, the trailer was terrible, yet, you hold on to that little sliver of hope that maybe it will at least be fun. I think I may have had more fun in The Mummy. The fucking Mummy! To say X-Men Origins: Wolverine (you have to say the whole thing because its so stupid!) is a bad movie doesn't really cover all of the bases. I wont go into too much detail, because I'm still recovering, but this movie falls into the category of unnecessary. It brings nothing to the titular character that wasn't already established in X2. In fact, most of the scenes involving the "weapon x" project already had a counterpart scene in X2. Granted, most are via flashbacks, but wasn't that sufficient? Do I really need to see fifteen minutes of Wolverine being pumped full of adamantium? Wouldn't those fifteen minutes be better suited for, I don't know, cutting shit? Or trying to develop a character? Any one of them! I don't even care who! It's funny that Wolverine's name is in the title considering how little presence he actually has in the film. Sure he's in every frame, but every piece of him (or any character for that matter) is so basic. Everything goes from point A to point B, but we don't care about getting to point B, nor do we enjoy the sights along the way. It's like having to drive 30 miles into the desert to get to the dentist - a tedious chore with nothing to look at and is likely to result in pain followed by numbness.

Like X3, this film suffers from having too many characters that you couldn't possibly care about. Not only that, but you may even hate most of them. You may even hate characters you love! Gambit and Cyclops...what were they even doing in this movie? But the biggest bummer, and something I'm curious to see how it'll be received, is the treatment of the character Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds, for like two whole minutes, had me into his character. But then he's MIA and doesn't come back until the end of the movie, and when he does, he isn't Deadpool. I think someone in costume design confused Deadpool with Baraka from Mortal Kombat. Maybe it was an honest mistake?


I think I've said all that I can because frankly, I don't want to spend any more time thinking about how royally they botched a movie that should have been able to write itself. The best course of action would have been to word-for-word plagiarize Daniel Way's run of Wolverine Origins, which uses Deadpool so well that it's likely the reason he gained the popularity to make it into the film. If you want to dig your claws into some Wolverine how he is meant to be, start there.

The "Everyday" Quote of the Day - Now For Everyday Use!

"Stay focused. Find a pen."

For use in situations involving:

• Manipulative bitches feeding you false information, DELIBERATELY TAKING ADVANTAGE of your unique memory ailment that inconveniently (or, for the sake of the plot, conveniently) forces a periodic re-boot of your brain (see: Memento)
  
• The existential malaise that comes from a constant awareness that everyday details--the small things that only grab your attention for an instant, then are gone--will be forgotten and lost from your memory FOREVER if you don't write them down or make a significant effort to please please please remember them (see: titles of rarely-heard songs, or wonderful, beautiful, not-often-used words that really ought to be used more, or fleeting images or anecdotes that would be perfect to share with an absent friend, etc. etc.)
  

Go to the 8:05 mark for a lesson in the "everyday" application of this handy quote!

Glee(eeeeeee)!

I can't be the only one who gets a gonzo* from the previews for Fox's new hour-long series, Glee, can I?

Seriously, I've watched the online trailers, like, dozens of times.

I know it's just a Fox-ified (or, Nip/Tucked, courtesy of creator Ryan Murphy) version of High School Musical. I know that! But the musical numbers look SLAMMIN'. "Don't Stop Believin'"? I WON'T!

*gonzo = boner