How quickly would you become a supervillain? NOW

If you had superpowers--you and only you--what would you do with them?  How soon after you were gifted the power of invisibility (or super strength; or flight; or mental telepathy; etc.) would you find yourself abusing the power you were given for selfish reasons?

This is not a rhetorical question.  The answer is "Almost immediately."  Don't even pretend you wouldn't sneak into an opposite sexed locker room, or surprise everyone and win an arm wrestling contest, or help your beloved football team end the waffling and answer the eternal question ("Are you coming back?!") by just reading Brett Favre's damn mind.

I was at dinner with Garrett and Claire, and this question of superpower use (and abuse) came up.  (FYI, Garrett is a total supervillain.)  It would be sooooo easy to take advantage of your new sitch (short for 'situation') without the possibility of any real consequence; you could do almost anything without repercussion.

But this brings up a plethora of follow-up questions:

• Which celebrity would you most want to see naked?
• How much money is too much money?
• Can I trust Hung Truong enough to let him in on my secret? (No.)
• What is the best way to wreak havoc on Bryan Costilla's miserable life? (that is a question we all must answer)

The most intriguing follow-up question, though, has got to be: What superpower would you want?

Good thing we've already got the answer!  According to a very scientific Facebook poll (brought to you by the movie Kick-Ass), a majority of you would choose "Time control."  Okay.  Duh.  But it is far from unanimous.  Facebook user Joseph SquadUp Johnson writes, "damm i put fly i wanna fly shit fuck time control i live life to the fullest anyway."  But it clearly is a difficult choice; Brandyn Grabowski comments, "i picked fly cuz thats just bad ass but then i thought about it. id pick time control cuz id go back and invent all those crazy things like shamwow! and snuggies. and snuggies for dogs lmao!. and microsoft. AND apple. and then once i got like a billion bucks id go further back and put it in a bank then come back to present day and be like a qudrillianare lmao."  Dilemma!  I think the existential quandary this elicits can be summed up by Fertile, Iowa's own Zach Hermanson, who says (quite poetically), "time control. so I can pause time go behind your back stab you with a pencil. walk back to my seat and then start time again. 'WHAT HAPPEND??!??!' zach hermanson."  Preach it, zach hermanson.

But really, this mostly just reminded me of an episode of This American Life, based around the idea of superpowers, which featured Mr. "and I'm a PC" himself, John Hodgman.  He wanted to know: Which is better: The power of flight or the power of invisibility?  Look at how curious he is!

The Hodg's respondents are a lot more interesting (Going-to-Paris Man!) than the Facebook dredge.  In the audio link below, "Act One: Invisible Man vs. Hawkman" starts about 6 minutes in, and lasts about 13 minutes.  But, seriously, you might want to just listen to the whole show.  What is the opposite of a waste of your time?  Whatever it is, this is it.

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This American Life

178:

Superpowers

Originally aired 2.23.2001

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(Click anywhere above to listen--for free!--to the complete Superpowers show. Read the episode guide or listen to a 30 second promo here--all for free!  Donate $ to TAL here--not free!)


Answer any and all of the above questions in the COMMENTS below, as well as in the poll above.  If I could be invisible, I would most want to see Jonah Hill nekkid, obvs (short for 'obviously') ...NOT!

Are you a fearful, crouching masturbator like I am?  Also, re: "Act Two: Wonder Woman"--would you marry Zora?  I would.

"Japonese [sic] Amazing Show"

What is the best part of this YouTube discovery: the succinct written description* of the video ("it's amazing what this japanese does"), the clearly audible (and enthusiastic!) sounds of a man screaming as the performer accepts her medal(!), or the captivating trick itself?




WELL??  What is the best part?  Vote in the comments below.

Also, only 895 views!  I am soooo ahead of the viral curve, I feel like this is my discovery!  But it isn't.  It was Roger Ebert's.


*Succinct, but possibly inaccurate.  There is reason to believe she's Thai.

And The Nominees Are...

The nominees for the 82nd Annual Academy Awards are..



To impatient to watch the video? Click Here for a complete list.

Walt "Backwards G"isney

Why is Disney all up in my face trying to make me be a better person?
I was going to write about Walt Disney Studio's collaboration with the Ad Council on a series of PSAs--Sleeping Beauty has teamed up with Smokey the Bear to prevent forest fires (logical!)! Fat bear Baloo is the poster child for healthy living (makes sense!)!--but when, long story short, during my research I ended up reading pages of "The Walt Disney Company's 2008 Corporate Responsibility Report," I kinda lost my mojo.  So instead I wanted to pose this thought:

As a child, whenever I saw the logo for Walt Disney Pictures, I never knew that it said Walt Disney.  Or, I guess I kinda did, on some intuitive level, because, you know, duh.  But as it's written in Walt's own handwriting, I never recognized the "D" in Disney for what it was.  It always looked like...I don't know, a backwards "G" or something.  (Hey, I didn't think about it that much.)  It was only years later that it hit me that it was, in fact, just a "D" with a little loop around the front.  Whoa.  Wacky Walt.

Even still, nowadays, I sometimes find my brain reverting back to my 7-year-old self and I just can't see the "Disney" in "Disney."  It's that damn D!  It has far too much going on around the straight line/the left side; it seems so...off balance.

I know I'm not alone on this.  Someone who shall remain anonymous* said she had a similar problem with, you know, reading the D in Disney.  I wonder: did anyone else ever misread or simply fail to recognize a popular phrase or logo because of the typeface?

This post is best read with musical accompaniment: SpinitLet'sbeginitBear'n'grinitWhenyou'reinitYoucanwinitInaminuteWhenyouspinitspinitspinit!



*It was Claire.

Too Many Penguins Eating Lunch

I don't really know what this is, but it made me cry. Someone with far too much time on their hands dubbed over some Star Trek: The Next Generation with pure nonsense. The result: hilarity.

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If I possessed the power to manipulate time and space, I would travel back to Nov. 18 and catch The Swell Season show in LA. Glen will set everything up for you.



Best guest performance ever!

Turtles Forever!

As a final hurrah for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's 25th Anniversary Shell-ebration, 4Kids Entertainment has been working on a very special feature length TV movie, Turtles Forever.

The film is a melting pot of all things Turtles from every medium. Alongside the characters from the current animated series will be those of the 1987 animated series, some from the movies (like Tokka & Rahzar), and even the original B&W Mirage Comics Turtles, all joined together via some form of interdimensional travel no doubt (Wormholes? The Nexus? Mikey dreamed it?). Check out the teaser trailer below.



Turtles Forever will air November 21 on the CW.


As a side note...Turtle Mania(or is it Turtle Insanity?) doesn't stop with their 25th B-Day. Early in 2010, Playmates will be re-releasing the best action figures ever made: The "Movie Star" Turtles!


Oh, but there's more! There are also plans for a brand new figure line. Their intention: A beautiful marriage between the original line and that of the 2003 era. The result? This prototype Splinter!



I want everything mentioned in this blog...right...now!

Ornery Ewoks!

Ewoks are known for ruining a scene. In this case, they made it watchable. Be patient for the first minute or so, it gets hilarious toward the end.

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Barbie Ladies of the 80's!

Many years ago I stumbled upon a Poison Ivy Barbie at Wal-Mart. I of course bought her immediately. The cashier, possibly feeling uncomfortable that a grown man was purchasing nothing but a lone Barbie doll at 3am, commented on how that was going to make a great gift for my daughter. I decided against telling her, "Oh, I don't have a daughter. This is for me!"

I wish I could say my Barbie collecting could be labeled as an isolated incident, but Poison Ivy was the catalyst to a very expensive (and emasculating) hobby. So with every shred of manliness gone, I have no shame in admitting squealing like a schoolgirl at the announcement of Barbie's next Pink Label Series (Holiday 2009). It has officially rocked my socks...and soon, will rock my pocketbook.

Ladies of the 80's!

Debbie Harry, Joan Jett, and Cyndi Lauper!

I love the selection! I'm glad they didn't just settle for the likes of Madonna and Pat Benatar.

Note: I hope they make Madonna and Pat Benatar.

Oh My Tauntaun!

It started out as the best April Fool's joke this side of Hoth, but now it's a beautiful reality. Ladies and Gentlemen...Wookies & Mynocks...

The Tauntaun Sleeping Bag!

Click the world's cutest rebel to read more.

This prototype was made as a gag, and as you know, you can't go around selling merchandise based on properties you don't own. Certainly not Star Wars. (My homemade Alf memorabilia is all over eBay). But what truly amazes me is that Lucas actually approved this. That's the only good that has come from him since The Empire Strikes Back (how fitting).


And feel free to pre-order me two or three of these.

I'm serious. I would sleep in it every night.