Apr 30, 2009

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I remember leaving X-Men: The Last Stand in a flurry of emotions. Rage. Sadness. Betrayal. More rage. I left X-Men Origins: Wolverine feeling...nothing. Void of anything that could even remotely be mistaken for giving a shit. The title is redonkulous, the trailer was terrible, yet, you hold on to that little sliver of hope that maybe it will at least be fun. I think I may have had more fun in The Mummy. The fucking Mummy! To say X-Men Origins: Wolverine (you have to say the whole thing because its so stupid!) is a bad movie doesn't really cover all of the bases. I wont go into too much detail, because I'm still recovering, but this movie falls into the category of unnecessary. It brings nothing to the titular character that wasn't already established in X2. In fact, most of the scenes involving the "weapon x" project already had a counterpart scene in X2. Granted, most are via flashbacks, but wasn't that sufficient? Do I really need to see fifteen minutes of Wolverine being pumped full of adamantium? Wouldn't those fifteen minutes be better suited for, I don't know, cutting shit? Or trying to develop a character? Any one of them! I don't even care who! It's funny that Wolverine's name is in the title considering how little presence he actually has in the film. Sure he's in every frame, but every piece of him (or any character for that matter) is so basic. Everything goes from point A to point B, but we don't care about getting to point B, nor do we enjoy the sights along the way. It's like having to drive 30 miles into the desert to get to the dentist - a tedious chore with nothing to look at and is likely to result in pain followed by numbness.

Like X3, this film suffers from having too many characters that you couldn't possibly care about. Not only that, but you may even hate most of them. You may even hate characters you love! Gambit and Cyclops...what were they even doing in this movie? But the biggest bummer, and something I'm curious to see how it'll be received, is the treatment of the character Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds, for like two whole minutes, had me into his character. But then he's MIA and doesn't come back until the end of the movie, and when he does, he isn't Deadpool. I think someone in costume design confused Deadpool with Baraka from Mortal Kombat. Maybe it was an honest mistake?

I think I've said all that I can because frankly, I don't want to spend any more time thinking about how royally they botched a movie that should have been able to write itself. The best course of action would have been to word-for-word plagiarize Daniel Way's run of Wolverine Origins, which uses Deadpool so well that it's likely the reason he gained the popularity to make it into the film. If you want to dig your claws into some Wolverine how he is meant to be, start there.

The "Everyday" Quote of the Day - Now For Everyday Use!

"Stay focused. Find a pen."

For use in situations involving:
  • Manipulative bitches feeding you false information, DELIBERATELY TAKING ADVANTAGE of your unique memory ailment that inconveniently (or, for the sake of the plot, conveniently) forces a periodic re-boot of your brain (see: Memento)
  • The existential malaise that comes from a constant awareness that everyday details--the small things that only grab your attention for an instant, then are gone--will be forgotten and lost from your memory FOREVER if you don't write them down or make a significant effort to please please please remember them (see: titles of rarely-heard songs, or wonderful, beautiful, not-often-used words that really ought to be used more, or fleeting images or anecdotes that would be perfect to share with an absent friend, etc. etc.)

Go to the 8:05 mark for a lesson in the "everyday" application of this handy quote!

Apr 28, 2009


I can't be the only one who gets a gonzo* from the previews for Fox's new hour-long series, Glee, can I?

Seriously, I've watched the online trailers, like, dozens of times.

I know it's just a Fox-ified (or, Nip/Tucked, courtesy of creator Ryan Murphy) version of High School Musical. I know that! But the musical numbers look SLAMMIN'. "Don't Stop Believin'"? I WON'T!

*gonzo = boner